Putting First Things First

"You can't know that! You don't have kids!"
Well, no I don't...you 15 year old. But then again, neither do you. I bit my tongue and didn't actually say what I was thinking. We had been talking about priorities, and now I had 4 teenagers looking at my agape. All I had said was that when it came to priorities, for me my relationship with God came first, then with my husband and then with my kids. Youth pastor that I am, I was relieved that the debate didn't come from God being first (Yes! Clearly I've been teaching them SOMETHING!) but the audacity that I wouldn't put my kids first before the husband...well, that was anathama to them.

So here's the thing. The husband comes first. People put their kids first and they forget who they are, who they married and lose sight of the relationship. I don't want to come out of a kid-coma 18+ years down the line and realize that I don't recognize the man I married. The need to grow WITH someone is so important in maintaining a marriage or relationship...in fact it's why friendships and relationships fail. Also, a fine distinction that I needed to make was that the kids would never be neglected. Food would be on the table, shelter always provided, affirmation, love and attention would be present abundant as I was able. But here's the thing -- I gave my word to the husband. I promised for better or worse, in sickness and health, kids or no kids (damn, I'd like to retroactively add that into the vows!) I vowed to give him my best. And if hubs and I are working, together, to put the health of our relationship first, then the kids get our best, get a stable and loving household, as well as a good understanding of the importance of working on a relationship (bonus!).

I can say these things, two years and change into a marriage with no kids to speak of (nor on the immediate horizon). I may come back here in 15 years and recant everything I've said. I admit I am naive and innocent and altogether optimistic about our ability to balance relationships. I just know that I've seen marriages crumble with kids (or fame, or self) gets put first and I know that I've seen marriages succeed when the marriage is worked on, taken time for and nurtured. And I'd like to fall into the category of the latter.

Bonus: I left the 4 girls at peace with my decision. They saw it would ultimately be best for the kids and conceded...that those might be priorities that they could get behind.