I was stuck in Madison, WI at a Days Inn overnight. Bad weather combined with bad roads caused us to unanimously decide to get off as soon as possible. The particularly tense tone in Karen's voice motivated me to stop in at work to check in before heading across the parking lot and unloading the car. Big mistake. I hadn't had a moment to unclench from the previous 24 hours worth of tense and anxious moments. I don't know why I didn't expect it, I don't know why it surprised me as much as it did. After an amazing4 days of hope and dreaming about what ministry and church is and should be, to come back to reality's dark side. There is a spiritual current to all of this -- in the face of hope, doubt and anxiety tries to knock us over. Today, in this moment, I have to choose grace. I have to choose that people can be restored and are in the process of transformation. All of us. So I have to cut them some slack and pray for the same.

Okay. I have to finish unpacking and head back across the parking lot. Tensions high, teeth clench, white knuckle gripping on love and transformation to keep me warm.

Do I have it in me?

"And the problem is this, we were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned, even when it wasn't hit
And I don't know what to do with a love like that
And I don't know how to be a love like that
And all your love in the world is right here
Among us, hatred too
So we must choose what our hands will do
Where there is pain let there be grace
Where there is suffering bring serenity
For those afraid help them be brave
Where there is misery bring expectancy
And surely we can change, surely we can change something."
~dc*b

Change. Wrapped in it is so much baggage. Can I change? Can I become the person I long to be, can I grow from my limited place, my limited view of self and capabilities? Do I have it in me to change? Knowing full well that I don't. Knowing full well that the sort of change I long for comes from a love, from a place greater than myself. The question changes from "can I" to do I have it in me to open myself to that change? Do I have it in me to pray bigger, love harder, try more, cry harder, laugh deeper, care deeper, and in doing so open myself up to becoming the person I long to be where that love intersects? Do I have it in me to, as I open up one part of myself, know that my life will be wonderfully, irrevocably and utterly changed? Do I have it in me to choose light, to choose love, to choose truth and life? Do I have it in me to be open, to humbly admit that I can't do it on my own? Do I have it in me to explore what this even means, as I have no idea how to get to where I want to be, except to admit that I can't get there on my own.

God willing, I do. God willing, I choose grace, serenity, bravery and expectancy. God willing I must change.

survival

"Our problem is not that we ask for too much, but that we settle for too little." C.S. Lewis

Crossing the parking lot as I trekked to work today, the chilled wind chapped my cheeks. The sky maintained it's unpolished pewter luster, with the promise of snow on the horizon. "January is a month for survival" I thought to myself, ducking my head down and picking up my pace into the building.

Now, as I enjoy my coffee and take a quick break from my day, I'm reflecting on that statement. The truth is, in years past, January has been known for delivering me some substantial blows. Even last night, as I considered watching the first night of the American Idol auditions, I remembered where I was a year ago (sequestered by neighborhood unrest and recent car accidents at Dan's apartment) watching the same show. In my past, January has been a month to survive. February is the proverbial Thursday of the calendar (thank God it's Thursday, the weekend is almost here! Spring is in sight! It's merely a shortened month away, in word if not in actual temperature. And word can affect morale, for certain!), and January is that blasted hump-day Wednesday to get over to start breathing in that hope.

What occurs to me is what the word survive implies. Survive means to scrabble through until the end, clinging on for life by the shredded tips of your fingernails. It doesn't exactly bring thoughts of abundant living or beauty to mind. And I wondered, (in my best Carrie Bradshaw voiceover), has my difficult history with January caused me to choose to survive instead of thrive?

As the msuical RENT so beautifully puts it, "the opposite of war isn't peace, it's creation." Bringing something new and beautiful into this world, something better, is what will cause the tide to turn. Not hopes for peace, but active reconciliation through new life. Instead of hunkering down and dreaming of a better day (a better month?) maybe the best way to beat the January survival-itis's is to live in the reality that a better day is already upon us. A day of grace and beauty. Instead of lamenting creative force or healthy feelings, do things to foster those to well up in you again. Break the mold of coming home, eating a beige meal, doing something mindless and then going to sleep. Do something that excites me, that tires me out, that causes me to be engaged with what is going on. It's not any easier in January than it is in June or July, but it is possible. I choose to not settle for survival, I choose life.

Blank page. Mocking me.
You think you're interesting?
Well go on, prove it.

watch 'em and weep

I just don't get it. I mean, cognitively, yes, I get that a company will do anything to make a buck by catering to any demographic they can (and yes, I understand that these are two commercials catering to two different demographics). But, how these two commercials can both come (within a span of 1-2 months) from the same company just blows my mind. See for yourself:

In one commercial, we have a morbidly obese cartoon character who, in real life, would be considered one to have profound mental disabilities and potentially abusive to family and friends (I'm being leinient) peddling out "healthy food" (which, granted the sandwich is huge. But Subway time and again peddles the "we're the healthy choice" card. It's what it's know for and accepted as). He certainly is the picture of health (physical and otherwise), and good judgement, isn't he?



In the next commercial, a cheeseburger order preys on the internal fears of most women when faced with eating out and restaurant choices. The amount of emotional and physical baggage that Subway is trying to sell to women for eating a damn cheeseburger (probably similar to the same food that got Peter Griffin to his size) is a low blow. Nice shout out to Coke Zero at the end as well. Obviously loads of caffiene and baked chips a healthy, guilt-free meal make.



If the inundation of conflicting messages that women experience their entire lives (consciously or not) isn't a part of the reason why females (and many males) are so hung up about food, size and weight...then I don't know what is.

I should note. I like Family Guy. I think it's a funny show. Peter grates on my nerves most of the time, but as a whole I get and appreciate it. What I don't appreciate is his image and all that that entails trying to sell us "health" in one commercials (among many other things, communicating that for guys to look like that is okay and not questionable) when in a different commerical an already quite skinny woman is shamed and guilted about a cheeseburger. It's wrong and it makes me sad.

it's not a resolution...it's a resolve

Fact: Pre-wedding, Dan and I were on this "low-carb, modified South Beach"-type diet.
Fact: It worked. Between wedding stress and healthier choices, my wedding day found both of us at a lower, healthier weight. The proof is in the pudding (or lack thereof) (ie: comments and pictures).
Fact: The wedding came at a horrible intersection of season and celebration to continue such a routine. It's ludacris to think about carbs when you're getting married (or at your rehearsal dinner) (or a shower) (or bachelor/ette party) (or when you're family is in town). And after the wedding comes the honeymoon. And a week later, the reception in KS. And a month later, Thanksgiving. And after that there's more parties and Christmas, and New Year's and... see?
Fact: The diet went out the window somewhere around the first week of October. Approximately.

And, it's not that we've since gorged ourselves in butter and lard (who am I, Paula Deen?). But I notice a difference in how I feel, how I sleep, how things get processed through (Scrubs season 6: it all comes down to poo).

So, Dan and I have resolved (see, not a resolution) that we're getting back to healthier eating. Less carbs, more water, more green things on our plates, up the protein, less stress (me) and more sleep, etc. That, combined with a resolve to save some money (less debt, new computers, a house, a new kitten, fun trips and vacations, all being things that we'd like to see in the months and years to come) means that we're eating in more. And cooking for ourselves more. And being more creative.

Lately the idea of having a theology of eating, of the food that we consume keeps coming back to me. I'll share more of that as it comes to fruition, I'm not sure how it will play out or what that will mean for us. But, in the meantime, I'll share what we made for dinner tonight.

Thanks to Real Simple for the recipe: Bean and Sausage Stew
Heat 1 Tb of olive oil in a Dutch oven over medium heat. Add 1 13 oz. pkg. chicken sausage links, sliced 1/4 inch thick (we used sausage from our friendly neighborhood Target. Archer Farms has a tasty chicken Italian sausage that worked just great with this) and cook, without stirring, until browned (3 minutes or so). Turn, add 2 cloves of garlic (thinly sliced) and cook for 2 minutes more. Add beans (1 19 oz. can white beans, drained), broth (14oz of chicken broth), and tomatoes (14.5 oz can diced tomatoes, undrained). Increase heat to medium high and bring to simmer.

This is where we veered off from the intended recipe. RS originally called to use kale, which there wasn't any of at Target that day. So, we used spinach. Any dark, green vegetable would probably do. Whatever you use, tear it into large pieces, removing any stems that wouldn't cook down. Add it to the pan and cook (still stirring as needed) until it wilts. Remove from heat. Season with salt and pepper.

We think this would be equally tasty with onions in the mix as well. Quite delicious and Dan claims, it looks better than the picture in the magazine. High praise indeed. :)

Christmas in KC

In order for Dan to truly experience his first Christmas in Kansas City, we took him to see Christmas lights around town. We braved the snow and ice and discovered...

...that the usual lightshow that is found in Mission Hills was defunct this year.

So we took him to the Falmouth house. A house that must be seen to be believed. See for yourself:

Every conceivable surface on this older gentleman's house is covered. Too many pictures to fiddle with, so I offer for your consideration: the garage:


I don't actually know the last time that a car was parked in there.

of Christmas decorations and such

It was nice to have decorations on the tree from both Dan and myself. We were able to convert some wedding presents into other decorations as well. For your enjoyment: (oh: ps -- too lazy to figure out how to rotate them here in blogger. Please tilt your head instead. Stretch first, though).



Sheepies! Bahh! Baahh!

2008 and time

Lost returns in 29 days. Praisealuiajesus.

What will this coming year bring? I can only anticipate the smiles, laughter, growth, tears, stress, sickness, joy and love that will come in 2008. I'm not one to make resolutions (I'm reserved in my resolutions?) but if I had to, I would chose to live more thoughtfully. It's vague and ambiguous enough to actually be accomplished, and fruit it would bear would be amazing indeed.

The break from work and life was so needed. Days that I had scrimped and juggled and set aside were so needed, I was so greatful for time to breathe. Time to relax. That I had more than 3 days (which is how long it took me to stop scheduling my time off). Time to sleep and nap. Time with family and friends. Time spent in the car with Dan. Time well spent.