Things seem better in the light of day. Daylight brings perspective -- after a long weekend full of laughter, relaxation, family and friends...a stressful day can be difficult. I go back to concentrating on breathing, on taking life one day at a time.

broken hearted

I decided that any blog worth it's salt has to have some sort of theme. Without a theme, I end up doing what I've done for the past 30 minutes: write five lines, back space three of them. Write several more lines, delete the entire thing. Look at facebook. Decide to start writing again. And so on and so forth. I'm probably going to opt for the easiest solution: the life of a newly married youth pastor. The two coincide more than you might interact.
It's broad enough that I get to talk about work, Dan, life and theology -- but also dictates some sort of packaging.

Lately, I've been constantly on the verge of tears. Happy tears, sad tears, hungry tears, frustrated tears, laughing tears, tired tears, go and sit on the front porch until you can collect yourself before your husband decides that you're crazy because you're crying over a thought in your head tears -- I pretty much have squeezed them all out. This is weird because I don't cry. not a crier, not a fan of the Hallmark moment where tears are appropriate so the recent waterworks are perplexing.

On my good days I prefer to think marshmallow thoughts about these tears being able to be released because I am finally in a relationship where I feel comfortable expression my full range of emotions. After I clean the puke off of my shoes, I content myself with this knowledge: the stress is catching up to me.

Because, really? Here's the deal. I work in crisis. The church I work at is in some fairly serious crisis. My job is potentially effected, my friends and coworkers jobs are potentially effected too. Which definately puts that environment significantly higher on the "general hysteria scale." I work with a population that is in crisis. I found out this morning that the latest break in (the 5th this year, I believe) didn't just target one of our partners, they also stole our drum set. I work with students, who dwell in drama and crisis. Being of the generations that I am, I know more about their crisis' than I (sometimes) care to, and that breaks my heart.

What hit me like a smack in the face tonight over dinner was the simple fact that whether I had this job or not, whether we stay here or go some place else...I'm doing this with Dan. And it's not that I thought that he came with the housing package, but a deeper realization set in over bbq turkey tacos -- I'm not in this crisis alone. I have someone who holds me when my broken hearted self is overcome by mixed expectations, higher self-standards than I can fill (yay setting myself up to fail!), the cat looks at me funny, I get bad news about a student's choices, or a 4 year old sings a song of welcome to her 4 month old sister at her baptism in church.

And he doesn't mind those wet marks that my tears leave on his shirt.

Some days I feel like I am out of words and out of sparkle behind my eyes.
Some days I feel like I've made this all too much about me and not enough about things that matter.
Some days I feel lost and scared and aimless. Like I've lost direction and joy.
Some days I am glad that every day is not a "someday day."
But those somedays seem to be so much longer than other days.

the snow hearlds the hearth

I'm sure that there is some poetic metaphor in all that has to be done to ready a house for winter. Waking up to wind howling outside of the windows and later observing wimpy flakes riding those gusts in front of the school the list of things to be done starting forming. Blankets need to be washed and organized, storm windows closed as the last vestiges of light and warmth now start to recede around 4. Sweaters are pulled out from underneath the bed and warm layers begin to make a stronger appearance. Foods that are somewhat fortifying and stickily warm come to mind, we begin to think of drinking coffee with baileys instead of mojitos.

None of these changes are bad. If I was a more thoughtful person, I would contemplate the changing of blankets and closing of windows as a battening down the hatches of the soul, of preparing the heart's hearth for the warmth and light of the holiday season. Things need to be organized and set in place so they can be moved for Christmas trees and other holiday-esque trappings. Not everything is Santa on a throne (as Dan and I observed at the mall over the weekend. Not 3 days after Halloween and already "Santa coming soon" signs were everywhere). We must find fortifying as the commercialism and unnaturalness tries to strip away joy and peace from the season leaving crazed frenzied individuals aside. This is a time to make places safe for community and friends. Time to counter-act the elements by warming the air inside and welcoming others in.

Days like today I wish to be more thoughtful. I wish that I was filled with the joy of the shouting children boarding their buses, exclaiming with glee "It's snowing! It's snooooooooooo-wwwwwwww-iiiiiiiinggggggg!" Instead, I count my blessings for storm windows to close, laundry to do and baileys to add to the coffee.

God bless the feeble flakes
Whirling upon the whipping wind
Announcing to all who happening hear
The time is here for heart and hearth
The time is come for warm light and life
Though winds may blow cruelly cold
A roaring love this way winds.

:) vs. >:(

I have a love/hate relationship with Fridays at work. On the one hand, no one is in the office except for Jessica and me. I can put my iPod on shuffle and not worry about skipping over Justin Timberlake. I get more accomplished (usually) because I have to make authoritative decisions without running upstairs to run ideas and options past people -- it's empowering. I can come in a little late (or a lot late, depending on whether or not I have an event occuring that evening to offset morning hours. I can work from remote locations and it' s fine, although I can do that on other days too. Mostly, the day is more relaxed and the weekend happily before me whenever I can finish up and walk across the parking lot. It's pretty much up to me, and that's really nice some days.

On the other hand....the freedom is tempting. I've learned that working from home rarely amounts to what I want it to be unless I'm appropriately zoned into what's going on. It's easier to work, but easier to be distracted as well. And with fewer people here, it's easier to stay distracted. With fewer people in the office, there are some things that simply can't be finished until Tuesday (when we're all back here together). It's a little crazy.

What I have noticed is that it's easier to get up in the mornings. Rather than rely on a snooze button, Dan's getting ready movements (and his resetting of his own alarm clock) go a long way in getting me ready to get up. I seem to have an internal clock that lets me know about how long I can putz around the house before heading in and today I was ready to go and surprised to see the time on the clock, it was significantly earlier than I thought that it would be. Plus, getting to spend some time with the husband before work is a motivator as well.

We have the weekend coming up. It should be good. There's not too much on the radar yet, and I'll be the first to say that after the past 3 weeks, a low-key weekend sounds pretty good to me. Other than going to the bank and figuring out some of that stuff, it should be pretty simple. :) And that is a wonderful thing.

crisp walking morning

After making a presentation at Johnson Highschool this morning, I had the extreme pleasure of walking back down the block to work.

As I exited the building my first thought was how I wish I could take a walk today. And maybe that will happen. But more likely, I'll come home around 7:30pm and eat some dinner. At that point I'll either watch a show I've TiVO'd, play on the Wii, cross-stitch or play with Ender and read. Then it will get late, Dan and I will watch an episode of Futurama and off to bed go we. Plus, it will be dark and colder and this morning it was beautiful and sunny, crisp and cool (but warm in my sweater and wool coat) and good walking weather.

And I know this, because life is slowly settling down into a routine. People still surprise you, every day is different...but finding the rhythm of life is great.