freedom and slavery

As a staff, we are reading Mark Buchannan's book "The Rest of God." It's about Sabbath taking, and a play on words. Today we discussed the chapter about the book of Deuteronomy. How Moses hated the forced legalism that was inflicted on the Hebrews when they were slaves. How the reason that the Hebrews left Egypt was for the freedom to worship God at their leisure. There are lots of great ideas, surrounding the idea that rest is something that only the free enjoy (if you are a slave, you don't rest. You might sleep, but you don't get to rest.)

But also the idea came up that our obedience is an exercise of our freedom. We are free to be obedient, free to rest, free to Sabbath times. Our lack of legalism requires Sabbath to be an act of free obedience, only when we are free can we really and truly experience this freedom. If it is forced on us, it no longer becomes a choice, despite how good or pleasurable the results might be.

So, rest and Sabbath at their best are acts of wonderous obedience. Why our insistence on running ourselves ragged? Why the need to run ourselves into the ground, until we are too exhausted to dream? Why does our church leadership, present company included, not take greater advantage of this gift? Why is self care looked down on and the greater importance of a bottom line and fitting some other mold exalted? Of course I know the answers. I've always known them, and unfortunately mroe times than not I fall prey to them instead of acting on my freedom in Christ. And in doing so, I return myself to a life of bondage. I change my chains of mud, sweat and hay for chains of guilt, exhaustion, inadequacy and heartache. More and more I realize that this thing of Sabbath is about being broken. Better to be broken in my freedom than to be broken by slavery. In either case, I end up on my knees.

Sleep was not happening last night. The body was willing, but the mind was too strong. Thoughts upon thoughts piled up. Not about anything specific. Not about any one thing. On the contrary, I was too ADHD to concentrate on anything more than about 30 seconds before my mind was on to the next thing. So very tired then, so very tired now.

Hard to believe, I am getting married in 2 and a half weeks. Hard to believe in the best possible way. Hard to believe that I get to spend my life with this man. Hard to believe in an undeserving, can't believe that daydreams come true type of way.

The getting married thing might play into the unable to sleep thing. Maybe.

Needy

So much of the time we are consumed by what we think we need. Often it is what we surround ourselves with that dictates what we are consumed by. Be it trendy clothing, stimulating conversation or environments, money or decorating concerns...it's all nothing in the face of this:

I need nothing more than to be here. Right now.

Pressed firmly against the arm of my love, purring kitten on my chest, my head nestled deeply within the pillows, I know deep to my core, that in this moment, I am content. In this moment, in the silence of my house, I need nothing more than to just be here. Now. I need nothing more than to keep making space in my life, to enjoy these last few days of singleness, to breathe deeply the autumn air and smile into the unknown.

Guilty Pleasures

Many a Sunday night I find myself driving home between 11p and midnight. when such things happen, I am invariably listening to 101.3 Dawson McAlister Live. Yes, a quasi-hip-aging-guy giving advice to grief and panic stricken teenagers and young adults. While I may not always agree with him, or have a clue about the slang that he throws around, this conservative guy does truly care about his listeners, doesn't force a Christian mindset on them and seems to do it with an air of authenticity.

A different guilty pleasure I've found recently have been some well-written, sardonic, sarcastic blogs written by women in crisis. For the most part newly married but living in the face of infertility or being widowed. Morbid, I know. But these women are excellent writers, truly engaging as they pass on their story.

But here's the thing, I think that I need to stop reading them. These problems are not mine yet (hopefully never to be). They just introduce more unspeakable fears into my life...and I've found myself emotionally flatlining after I read them. It's as if my thoughts are telling me that this is more certainty than actual unlikely possibility and shutting down to protect myself (itself). So, no more reading those blogs. I'll miss them, but I'd rather choose to love the moment than be reminded of fear. Come what may.

Amazingly enough, I figured that out on my own...I didn't need Dawson to help me at all.

Have you seen that episode of Friends where Rachel is in the process of moving, has boxes in her old apartment, boxes across the hall and boxes in Ross' apartment but no idea where she is going to move to? And she just wrings her hands and sits in the kitchen and calmly says "Wow...I could so easily freak out right now..."

Life is a little bit like that.

I'm getting married in a month and with that joy comes innumerable tiny and big details. For instance, nothing of Dan's lives here yet (save his gamecube and nintendo. Those OBVIOUSLY are here.) nor do I know when said belonings will travel over here. Regular programming begins at work. There are a hundred little crises at work as well. Plus personal discontent. Plus premarital counseling stuff to do. Plus I have no real food in the house. And money concerns. And and and -- see my point?

So, I resolve to focus on the upsides of things.
1. I am healthy. For the first time in months, I'm like 97% good health, 3% weird phlegm in the back of my throat when I talk after being quiet for awhile.
2. The weather has been fantastic! 50-60 degree days, chilly nights...perfect blanket cuddling and sleeping weather.
3. I see my mom in 2 weeks.
4. Even though work is difficult (but also rewarding) I had an excellent night on Wednesday, the SH girls group that I lead is so, so, so great. They had so many good questions. Fantastic.
5. I've had good music stuck in my head all day.
6. I think that I'm getting to a place in my life where, even if I still mentally jump to the worst possible conclusion, I don't stay there. I'm trusting myself to trust others better. That's a good thing.
7. I have TiVO!
8. I'm getting married in a month. :)

I think that's about as much as I can muster for tonight. I would like to put "well rested" on this list someday too. We shall see though.

July 2007 -- Mexico City -- Life Around Church

Dinner at Karl and Sue's. Woohoo!


Finished playset, complete with happy children!




Excited about craft time!


Church from the front.


Cabin that the pastor lives in on the church property.


Church from the side.


View from inside the church.


Dan staining the church.


All of the VBS kids at church.


I ate dinner with this kid and his family midway through our week there and immediately fell in love with their warmth, hospitality and generosity. Plus, the kids are so cute!


Cutest kids ever.




Just one of the many fantastic crafts at VBS.

July 2007 -- Mexico City -- Tlalpan

Bell Tower in the Cathedral in Tlalpan Square


Inside the Cathedral


And again

July 2007 -- Mexico City -- Sights Within Walking Distance of the Seminary

Universidad Nacional Autonoma de Mexico (UNAM). 250,000+ students. 200,000+ faculty and support staff. This is the library, the entirety of the outside is an incredible mosaic of stones ranging in sizes from your thumb to your fist, detailing the history of Mexico, and the world.


A beautiful sculpture slash pond slash planter at the university.




Cuicuilco. One of the only round pyramids in the world. Built by generations and generations of ancient Mexican peoples.


These layers are the only parts of Cuicuilco they have excavated. They are continuously digging it out.

september 6

five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear
five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure...measure a year?
in daylights...in sunsets
in midnights...in cups of coffee
in inches...in miles
in laughter...in strife

in five hundred twenty-five thousand
six hundred minutes
how do you measure
a year in the life?

measure in love
seasons of love

Boundary Waters, July 2007

They came in by twosies twosies...


I'm looking pretty clean here, it must be early in the week.


Flowers at the first camp site.


Canoing with Joel.




Straddling the border, feeling good about the large load on my back.


Having fun on the USA.Canada border. Here we are stupid Americans.


...And here we are clearly Canadians.


Duluth Packs


Finally a break from the rain.


I pretty much fell in love with this campsite.


One of our guides gathering water at sunset.


Sunset.


Sunset on the last night.