I do feel as though my peace and joy has been pulled out from under me. I have faith that this, too, shall pass. That we all learn lessons and proceed on as we grow and falter. Oh Lord, that you would restore your joy, your peace to your servant. Come soon.

17 Peace has been stripped away,
and I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 I cry out, “My splendor is gone!
Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!”

19 The thought of my suffering and homelessness
is bitter beyond words.[a]
20 I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.
21 Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends![b]
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”

25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.
26 So it is good to wait quietly
for salvation from the Lord.
--Lamentations

I'm home from the boundary waters. It was an amazing week. It was incredible to be pushed that hard physically. Rising with the sun and sleeping as it sets. Paddling and portaging. Having to be strong, upbeat and always caring for my students first before myself. Normally I'm a wuss. I'll flake out early on exercising or push things back...but not being able to do that was difficult. Knowing that something beyond myself carried me through this week is an amazing feeling. But I ache. I relapsed on my sickiness and I'm back to where I was 2 weeks ago. Even the tips of my fingers hurt from over-use. I cannot describe the weight of stress that fell off of my shoulders to come home to Dan with dinner ready to go, a towel and sleepy pants all laid out for me. After a week of caring for anyone other than myself, the tender thought and care that went into those simple preparations is incredibly touching. Pictures coming soon. I'm going to read until I fall asleep.

If wishes were fishes

I wish the skies would open up and just pour down a long thunderstorm. MN is a bit drought-y as of late...which means the past year or so, I suppose. And a good extended downpour would do wonders for the earth, not to mention my state of mind.

I also wish that I knew how I got home tonight. I got in my car, turned on my favorite playlist (Study Break 2006) and was immediately lost in thought. Dan asked me how the drive was and I really didn't know what to say. It was one of those serendipitous moments in time where the music is perfection for the backdrop of your thoughts. Lost somewhere between prayer and to-do lists in my head, I still don't know where I stand. Somewhere between being in denial about being gone for all of next week and tallyiing up everything I have to still do to be ready for it. Between having to let life hang and just be for a week and actually wanting that to happen.

I haven't been or felt healthy lately on many fronts, and as much as getting healthy again is hard, I think that this week coming up is going to kickstart that process. As much as I resent the work, I resent myself in this state even more. "Further up and further in" after all. Might as well grow up and mature some more.

Now then, I'm tired and want to read a bit more of Harry Potter Book 5 before turning in. Plus I have a hyper little kitten who still probably needs a little attention before I turn him over to Dan for the week.

<3

Confessional: Things We Hate

There are things that I do that I hate. They range from the nominally trivial, to the outwardly questionable. Examples? Of course.
Nominally trivial:
I have this one laugh that sometimes comes out that makes me sound really goony in my head.
I put off doing the dishes, it's annoying.
I tend to get in cleaning phases when I'm tired and really ought to sleep -- but also when the house is really needing to be cleaned.
I pretend that I'm a good reader, but the last book that I actually made it through was a re-read of Harry Potter.
I draw stars on everything. Incessant doodler. I love it in the moment, but it looks ridiculous when I have to revisit my notes.
The list goes on.

The nominally trivial tend to be those things that while we may hate them, make us the quirky/cute/annoying/weird/strange/delightful people that we are.

But Paul, in some book, cops to his outwardly questionable behavior. He doesn't go into details about it. He's too classy for that, plus he goes on and on detailing the details and issues with others, there's no way the guy had a chance to start talking about his own. But Paul pretty much says that he hates that he likes to do things that he hates that he does. Jars of Clay has some song about this too. Dan and I were talking about this the other day on the tail end of a long-winded-amazing conversation (seriously, began talking about someone I know who thinks that their house is haunted, ended up 2 hours later on my front lawn talking about the apostle Paul. Dig it.). Anyway. Dan points out that Paul isn't really talking about guilty pleasures (eating cold mac'n'cheese the next day, not cutting up your 6-pack-rings, going 12 over the speed limit) but that he is more likely talking about the heart stuff. The stuff that's hard to get over. The places that your guilty pleasures take you. Like, it's not just about the cold mac'n'cheese -- but it's about why you emotionally eat and don't take care of your body because you'd rather not deal with some issue from your childhood. Those kind of deep-seated issues.

In any case, the thoughts have been percolating. And there's some stuff that I don't know how to get over. So I'm confessing. Honesty about your issues is a growth step, right? I'm not laying it all out there, I'll stick to the more nominally trivial of the questionable behavior.

NToftheQB:
-Why can't I establish a normal sleep pattern? Why do I stay up as late as I do, just to be tired the next day? What does it accomplish -- is it some sort of stance against being an adult-type individual or is it just laziness? It's easier to stay up (not really taking care of myself) than it is to be an adult and just turn off the light. Which may also lead to....
-Perfectionist nature with build in excuses. If I'm never functioning at 100%, then when everything doesn't work right, I have an excuse! Or, when things do go well, I'm some sort of wunderkind. I rock. But that's not a good thing. It's not an honest thing. It's not even a good use of time. Which leads to...
-Stupid facebook. Stupid blogs. Stupid internet. Stupid pop culture. Stupid me for getting roped in instead of doing more produtive things (like finishing the next Harry Potter book).
-Hitting the snooze button. I have great plans every night (dreamed up after staying up too late looking at people online) that never happen.
-The list goes on.

The physical, emotional and spiritual are all tied up together. I hate that I like what I hate. Or should hate. But I'm trying to grow. I'm trying to be like Paul, I'll at least cop to it. I'm trying to work on it. Change comes from within. Maybe I'll just go to bed and wake up on time. Maybe....