bunch of randoms

I'm tired, but have a lot of things percolating through my mind. You get a bunch of randoms to enjoy.

~Shoulda cleaned out the back bedroom long, long ago. Among the many items found: my paints, my pastels, my glasses, a $45 check from Christmas, about $80 in assorted gift certificates and a new place for the litter box. So, um, yeah...looks like my life is starting to get back into order. It only took me 9 months and counting.

~I don't like disciplining Ender. However, he doesn't innately get things so we have to do things like remove him from objects and spray him with water. It makes me sad that we have to do it....but then he starts "playing" with my hands or ankles and remember why it's important. He's starting to catch on though.

~I played my flute and remembered two things: 1) why I quit and 2) why I miss it. It was nice, I hope to do it some more soon.

~I want some fresh fruit -- maybe I'll go to the farmer's market this weekend.

~Had a really nice night just hanging out at Dan's. It was simple, nothing exciting or surprising. Just a nice, quiet evening. Nights like these make me hopeful for the future.

I'm beginning to think that all of he exxtraneous planning that comes with weddings is really designed to make the waiting for the marriage a bit more bearable. Having something that distracats you, that you're working towards kind of makes the time go by more smoothly. However, I suppose that even the idea that there's something to work towards is important. The joining of two lives together isn't something that should be done on a whim....and done correctly ought to take time and preparation, and planning works towards that end as well.

Ender has been tearing around the house since 4 o'clock, when I woke up because I was too hot. He's finally calmed down and it's time for me to get into the shower, disturbing him again. As I've watched him grow up over these past two weeks, as I've seen him be curious and explore and discover...I find myself wondering what it must be like. To have yourself thrown in with someone who you really can't communicate with, who is more developed than you.....and to be so small and so tiny, to have such a limited range of knowledge and understanding. There's no way to tell him that when I leave to go to work, I'm coming back in a few hours...so he sits beside my door and cries for minutes on end.

And then I realize...this situation of Ender and me....is similar to my situation with God. To our situation with God. Of course, that would make me a crazy cat lady, and I simply can't have that.

knowing and being known

The last few days have been a whirlwind with little restful sleep. Between stress about upcoming work or preaching to the light sleep of knowing that a small kitten is somewhere in the house...life has been busy. I woke up this morning at 7 with my little kitten running circles around my head. Literally. Then I was gone all day and Ender tried to be mad at me when I came home. He was fiercely independent, playing with his toys in front of me as if to say "see? I didn't sleep on your bed, wondering where you were all day long -- I was playing, like this!" He wouldn't be held, wouldn't stay close...but as soon as I stopped paying attention to him, I would hear the faint, plaintive "meow?" down at my feet. I would smile down and he would be off again. He's a cute little addition to the family. It's amazing how much Dan and I love him already. But still, little sleep. Which finds me in bed at 9:15 so that I may read and relax before falling asleep.

it's not that I can't make decisions or don't like to. I make decisions at work, and in life -- big ones and little ones. This wedding is bringing decisions to the surface that have to be made. I am wonderfully thankful for Dan who, while he may not care about every decision that needs to get made, cares that the decision I make is the right one -- for me and for us -- and is so good at helping me make decisions. But Sunday night I had a breakthrough. I'm not sure at what point we are taught to be afraid to voice our opinion, lest it disagree with another's. Maybe, to some extent, it's in the hardwiring of the female. Studies suggest that with friends, girls equate sameness with closeness. They feel closer to each other the more similar that they are. Certainly some of the hesitancy (if not most) comes from external sources. But Dan had asked my opinion on something and in my head I was struggling to figure out how to best sound like I didn't have an opinion, while secretly hoping that he'd read my mind and make the decision for me.

Now I'm not dumb about this. I know that a lot of the time our opinions are similar enough, or he knows me well enough to guess at what I really want when I pull this crap. And that's what it is, it's ridiculous. I don't like playing games, I don't like people who do play games. And that's when the breakthrough happened. It was 30% realizing that I was doing something that I didn't like -- I'm a strong woman with good opinions...30% realizing he already told me he wants to marry me, he's not going to go running at this...30% realization that if I don't start getting comfortable saying what's on my mind or what I want (within reason) it could easily be an issue down the road that could split us up, or at the very least cause issues and anxiety. So I took a deep breath, said what I wanted and waited to see what he said back. And it went well. It wasn't exactly easy, speaking against all of the negative voices in my mind...but I knew that it was a step towards being healthier and creating better communication. And that's something that I want. Something that I definately want. And it felt good.

Ender wanted to say something: ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
Goofy cat.

New Beginnings: Ender

Nibblz.


I haz a seekrit 4 u.

Arizona May/June 2007

Mosaic at the church on the rock.






Lookout! Da bear's gonna get me!




It's a tour. In a pink Jeep!


This and the one following are the essence of my family on vacations. I love them.




2 Mittens


Rock. On.


Glare into the sun


Sunset time


Grand Canyon


Now that's a pretty engagement ring.

whispers the sound of silence

Right now all I can hear is the plastic murmuring of the timer on my lamp and the occasional car whizzing by on damp roads. The house and neighborhood are at rest. Oh, and the light tinnitus ringing in my ears...but that ever-present distraction os old hat at this point. I contemplate playing the new cd I burned from Colleen but decide against it. I am enjoying the silence and my thoughts. There have been so many lovely thoughts this week...of marriage and sunshine and delightfully worded 5-6 word phrases that drifted through my mind. I can only hope that some of them will re-emerge in these next minutes of silence.

I ought to sleep. Too little sleep and too much standing today combined with an early day at work (shoot, church) tomorrow will certainly take their toll. But soon enough my phone will ring and the sweetest sound I will have heard all day -- the travel-weary voice of the fiance -- will assure me that he is home, safe and sound, on the ground. Hard to believe that we have been engaged for more than a week...despite the 2 hours we spent together during that time. Almost unbelieveable that this reality, this amazing man has come into my life -- apparently to stay. Somehow this is true.

My sermon is finished. My work for today is finished. The call has come. I can sleep, if only for the moment.

harsh lights

The beefy guys posturing in the bad Mexican restaurant kept gesturing the way of my sister and myself and saying "those two." Eventually the rowdy table of highschoolers emptied out behind us. One of the boys, upon leaving turned around and came back to one of his friends at the table. Putting their arms around each other's waists they walked out of the restaurant. As they left, the beefy college aged boys, these so called men, gestured at them again and clarified "those two. Faggots. I can't stand them..." And many other such dark and dirty comments. The two highschool guys walked on, ignoring the slights, arm in arm to rejoin their friends in the warm light of day.

What is it that makes two males comfortable enough in themselves (in the throws of adolescence, no less) to be fully who they are, despite what society and the republican right tells them is "natural" and "okay"...and makes two other males so uncomfortable that they must slight another individuals just to begin to feel secure in their own skin? Through the 30 minute wait for our food, I had sat stewing at the loud, rambunctious table behind me. Knowing only that is was chock full of high schoolers, excited at being out of school early and enjoying lunch -- they were loud and annoying. But now, whether I agree with their choices or not, whether I can even begin to understand the complexity of their situation or not, in my heart I repented at the annoyance that had brewed in my chest. That these two men could be themselves, calmly, peacefully, non defensively, was a beautiful sight to see. I can't say that the women at the table with the college boys noticed or cared. Their increased giggling and flirtatiousness would lead me to think that perhaps the ruse fooled them as well.

All I knew was that in the harsh light of day I had witnessed something horrific, and beautiful. Truth of the situation touching down to the depths of what ails us as a people. Humanity at it's fallen core is something horrific and beautiful. I pray that in the end the beauty outshines the rest.