Guilty Eater

I'm trying not to feel guilty. I ate pizza. For lunch.
But it was free. And in the office. And I can't really leave to get food at the moment. And all the food in my fridge is moldy. Because it's not cold enough. And Jon can't look at it until tomorrow. Which means, of course, why go buy food if it's just going to spoil? So, yeah. I ate pizza. A slice and a half. And I enjoyed it. But now I feel the carbs in my gut. And the scale scared me this morning, even though weight fluctuation is normal. Really normal.

If you can avoid it, don't be a female. I know men have weight and body issues. I wis that I didn't feel guilt for eating (or power for restricting) but that's the system. I used to not care as much, but at the same time I wasn't doing anything to actively take care of myself. I wonder if this fear, lately, is coming more from fear. Fear that I may lose, now that I am beginning to like how my body looks. That I'm beginning to see fruits of my labor and that, despite the healthy decisions that still rule the day, I'm terrified that I can be as much a detriment to my body as a help to it. It's a process (as is everything else in life). Things fluctuate, including guilt. Including power. Including elation. Hopefully the trend is towards health, towards wholeness, towards Christ. It's hard to see from the vantage point stuck in the muck of it all, I have to look back to see what is coming ahead.

Side note: my plants are really growing. It's a beautiful thing.