27 February 2007

Boundaries vs. Compartmentalizaing

I am a messy messy person.
Not because I don't usually pick my socks up until the next morning (which I generally take off once I'm already in bed). Or because I leave dishes in the sink over night (okay, over two or three nights). But because while I have good and healthy boundaries (most of the time, or so I tell myself), I don't compartmentalize well. If I'm stressed at work, I tell you now that it is going to come out at home somewhere. If I pretend that I'm not I wind up with clenched jaw and sore teeth. Sorrow in my personal life comes out as next month's sermon example. Even if I can leave work "stuff" at work and home or personal "stuff" in the confines of those relationships and walls...the emotions attached to that "stuff" comes with me. I can fake it, I can swallow it down, but in a quiet moment it quickly swoops to the forefront of my mind.

For better or worse, I'm messy. I emote. Frequently. "I feel that __________" frequently comes from my mouth. I keep it within appropriate bounds (does everyone need to know the stress that I feel around the topic of my grandfather, or the bittersweet acceptance of that reality? No.) That's all. I'm messy. It's lasted 23 years, it's not likely to stop anytime soon.

posted by Kate @ 6:15 PM 0 Comments

23 February 2007

Somewhere between...

...elation at seeing a student who never comes and frustation at seeing that kid bully another tender-hearted student to tears
...affirmation of parents and volunteers and frustration from a supervisor
...laughter and weariness
...curiosty and being pleasantly unknowledgable of the inner psyche of a 6th grader's mind
...good conversation and awkward spaces
...relief of being home and regret of plans changed at the last minute
...suburbanites and urbanites
...needy and affluent
...rock and a hard place

In the wake of the joy and lightness of Wednesday comes tonight's mixed bag. A massive snow system coming through caused a change of plans...changing an overnight to a late-nighter to save the white-knuckles of parents driving as the storm progresses in the morning.

Some good, good conversations and fun times with kids...some really frustrating times. Strangely thankful for the student leader who said one of her leadership skills was being bossy...as she was one of the few who could shout over the din of voices that mine could be heard.

There's something liberating in letting kids lead, in empowering and enabling them to do so. But it seems when you eliminate one problem, another one generally takes it's place.

The one person's approval who I secretly, desperately crave...I'm beginning to think that I may never get -- based on their personality alone. They run too hot and too cold for any sort of consistancy. And I need to get to a place where I am okay with that.

What's the difference between Wednesday and tonight? Why does one bring joy and the other something else? Thoughts creeping through my head that are too scary to write out, too precious and personal to record. They're still in their infancy, needing to be incubated. Facing the prospect of really not seeing Dan tomorrow because of this storm. All in all it's for the best...but tonight I want him here. It's beginning to seem strange when I don't see him...and that's a good thing.
Labels: YouthGroup


posted by Kate @ 11:42 PM 0 Comments

22 February 2007

Last night...felt like a breakthrough. Though I was tired, I was exhilerated upon leaving. Somehow in the midst of the somber reality of Ash Wednesday, of the reality of my broken and bruised state as I received the imposition of ashes on my forehead...I remembered the joy that ministry can be. I saw a glimpse of what the body could look like. I had conversations upon conversations that were funny, poignant, wonderful and above all, real. I remembered why I do what I do. Instead of the waist-deep water that I've felt myself trudging through, it was like I could run and run without ceasing. I was filled. I had love and shared love. The Spirit was so present, there was light, there was beauty...I wish I could share what life I truly felt, I only wish that others could experience this feeling, this heart state, this place and presence of beauty. But nobody asked. So the memorandum goes here. Where in more broken days I can revisit and remember the joy of ministry. The joy of the church.

This morning...while I remain joyful, ready for work and for ministry, grateful for the breath of fresh air, I want to curl up. I am all too aware of my inadequacies. The parts of myself I loathe. I want to be away from public eye, to wrap myself up in blankets and bury my head that no one could see the creature that I sometimes fear that I really am. Haunted by the reflection of myself that I saw in a window last night...I try to choose unassuming clothing. Trappings that will let me get through my day without other consequence. In the midst of the lightness and joy that still emenates from yesterday, my psyche cries out for less of me. The reality of the broken and bruised state that we all are in is ever present. As I continually seek redemption, seek restoration the thought occurs to me -- Lent is present. Lent is with us. The journey to the cross is ever with us, with me.

posted by Kate @ 10:09 AM 0 Comments

13 February 2007

dervish;
detached;
desert;
disillusioned;
detoxify;
disrepair;
dispair;
discouraged;
discern;
divisive;
downcast;
dowdy;
durable;
damn;
noun or adjective referring to 1) me or my day 2) Tuesdays 3) Life

posted by Kate @ 11:09 PM 0 Comments

08 February 2007

It appears that our cleaning people only understand folding the covers on beds and points into the toilet paper. Actually throwing trash away is not an option. They will straighten our trash, tidy it up so that it looks somewhat neat and organized. I mean, it's pretty evident that my melted cup of ice cream is needing to be kept. I may want to inflict bowel issues on myself later today.

I suppose I could make some trite sermon example about how we try to tidy up our trash instead of throwing things away....but I'm not. Not yet at least.

Kate

posted by Kate @ 2:20 PM 0 Comments

07 February 2007

So I'm in Denver for Covenant Midwinter. Past the youth pastor's connection and deep into my class on "Theological Distinctives of the Covenant Church." I wish I could say that it was particularly interesting. And while I'm learning things, having grown up covenant, this is mostly a reaffirmation of what I believe and why I chose to remain in the ECC.

This is the point in the week where I am about one more deep conversation away from frustration and one more mere aquaintance away from simple exhaustion. Stuck somewhere between passion and excitement of what I've been talking about and learning about and talking to and knowing the reality of ministry and the reality of what I go back to for work. That while we have all of these wonderful distinctives and ideals that we're discussing in this class, the reality is the church is an institution of fallen (and yes, redeemed) people -- the reality is rarely the picture that we want it to be. Welcome to life, we're all learning how to cope.

Somewhere between feeling dry and exhausted, between feeling spiritually drained and invigorated, amidst the wanting to be by myself in a crowd...comes my free day tomorrow. Hopefully full of exploring this area that I've found myself in in a beautiful day outside and inside. Walking and stretching my tired legs, getting some mountain air in my lungs. Some time for reflection and inner monologue. Maybe tears. Maybe frustration. Certainly some peace and quietness. Needed rest.
Labels: Denver