30 January 2007

There is glorious freedom in [relative] annonymity.

I am terribly and wonderfully ready for spring. Just warmth. The smell of earth heating to kiss the cool air. Breezes that don't make your knees quake. This winter has been reckless this week. Unabashedly cuttingly cold. Grainy snow getting down into your shoes, deep-freezing the soles of your feet. The ability to comfortably walk outdoors, to exercise, to breathe deeply, to not have your body fold over on itself to retain some sort of warmth [parka or no].

We're rapidly approaching 5 months. In 7 days, a mere week, it will be upon us. Nearly half a year. I will be gone for it, in denver for a class,but the anniversary will pass nonetheless. Mostly it feels that it can't have been only 5 months...except on the days when itfeels shorter. Fully at peace with where we are, where life has taken me and seems to be taking me. Thoughts and conversations rattling around in my head. Leaving me with a heady feeling of anticipation and contentment.

Side thought: twix are likely my favorite candy bar. i just ate a frozen one and remembered the bliss that is frozen cookie crumble and caramel and chocolate. lovely. a small bite sized piece of heaven.

posted by Kate @ 11:41 PM 0 Comments

29 January 2007

Worth noting: January is almost over. Well, thank goodness.

I've been awake off and on since 7:20 this morning. I would pry open one eye, blearily look at the clock and then will myself back into some sort of dream. So far this morning I have been disappointed to see Dan walk out the door, shopping somewhere fancy with Mom in a bloody bigfoot costume, in an episode of Will and Grace and in a Swiffer WetJet Commercial. Eventually the children's voices roused me out of sleep, as they do every Monday, as they made their cheery trek to preschool at church from their bustop across the street. What better way to wake up than the chitterchatter of 30 pre-k voices at 10am? I can think of a few things....but none as reliable or steady as these are to me every Monday morning.

Truthfully, I didn't keep forcing myself back to sleep because I was tired. Waking up on my own at 7:20 is proof enough that I am obviously awake. I think the driving force was a lack of any exciting thing to do today to propel me out of bed. There are lots of smallish things that I want to do around the house today, but like more and more of life is, I've found, plans don't have to be dynamic to make them mandatory. The lack of structure in my day kept me in bed, mostly because I didn't know what I would do when I got up. A freeing thought for some, a paralyzing thought for me this morning. So what do I do? I blog. And I make my to-do list. And I pray. And I take a moment to enjoy the silence and sunshine that is outside.

All in all, a good weekend. It never seems long enough. Probably because my weekend extends into everyone else's work week. Down to Rochester twice this weekend since Dan was nice and let me use his car on Sunday after church. Got a haircut that (surprisingly) I really like. Hmm, so what to do today? Read for my class that I'll be taking next week (starting on Monday in Denver). Laundry. Cleaning. Getting a few odds and ends done for work tomorrow. Making dinner. Working out. Maybe walking down the street to the Hmong-run corner market to get some milk so I can make something for dinner. Develop a plan of action to deal with the car, effective once I'm home from Denver. Find someone to give me a ride to half-price-books. Among other things.

Yesterday while talking about Esther and the idea that we need to take a bigger-picture look at hardships, keeping the idea of "for such a time as this" in mind too, I used the example of my current car issues. While throwing out ideas how my not having a car could actually be playing a part in something bigger that God is doing, I realized that more than being a sermon example, I should actually take this mindset with this setback. Whether this car issue is divinely orchastrated or not (and I would tend to suggest that, in this case, it is not...but I am also aware that I am little and silly) it doesn't change the fact that God is at work in this situation and I need to not be paralyzed and waiting for a miracle (I will not, I think, walk into the garage and find my car whole again) but that is not to say that God doesn't work in smaller ways to bring about a more Christ-like Kate in the process. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning here (other than the so-obvious-it's-not-worth-suggesting, maybe I ought to be a better driver) or what's going on, but I'm keeping my eye out for it. Expectantly. With hands open and cupped to receive the grace and wisdom.
Labels: dreams, God, thoughts


posted by Kate @ 11:03 AM 0 Comments

25 January 2007

If I hear about one more bad thing, I seriously won't know what to do with myself.
The amount of pain being experienced by families and people around me and close to me...
The amount of shame and idiocy that I've felt dumped on me today....
The feeling of fear and paralyzation...
The wanting to to break something just to show myself that I am bigger than something else....

Lord, I just don't want to know, I don't want to find out, I just canNOT. For the next few hours, I can't take one more thing on these shoulders. I would rather remain ignorant than suffer one more frustration, one more tear, one more mind numbing experience of "what the-!?"

"Don't dispair, the burden is already being shouldered" he whispers even through my bitter protests. "These burdens are small, these frustrations will pass."
Labels: pain