02 August 2006

In this moment there is little to complain about. Cool enough for the windows to be open so the weird apartment smell is dissipating. Myriads of unexplained bruises permeat my legs....proof that I have been working hard. I just woke up from a two-hour long nap on my couch. This weekend held joyous tears and memories too fond to relate here. Thunderstorms the last two nights. I haven't sobbed at work yet this week. I am now insured, auto and (soon to be) medically. Good dinner with a long-lost person. An interesting movie with a good person. And the promise of a likely hard but good conversation with now-skinny-ex-roommate's-ex-boyfriend (a description for a true friend that no one should be without) -- hard in the ways that life questions and doubts about God make things grittily real...and hard. Bethany returns soon. My speed-dial has changed appropraitely. These are small praises, but they make a life full of blessing.

It would be easy to become complacent. Easier still to become comfortable.
Tomorrow I leave for Vancouver, truly not knowing what I will find there.
I think that sometimes the blessings scare me, that somehow I feel unworthy, that they are undeserved. It is easier to complain and criticize than speak in lovingkindness. Easier still to leave where I am and begin anew on my own. Easy to stay where my support system is already in place and never use it.
These decision seemed more enticing when they were possibilities in the future. Now I am involved, others are involved. Relationships have begun to form. Money is involved. And it is that last part that makes me hesitant.
Honestly, it's not just money being involved that makes me hesitant either. Among other reasons and thoughts floating about the transem of my mind...some things have become more important to me than when I was first searching for jobs.