Do I fill my life with business to crowd out the overwhelming, roaring silence? Or is the silence something that I crave and the business competes with it? I just know that I sit here, exhausted from Campus Outreach Day work and workwork...knowing that I have to be back at Lydia Ave at 6 tomorrow morning...yet here I sit.
I was struggling today with the imposition of COD. I know that it's not very charitable, or even very kind to resent the imposition. Donna cannot help that she got called for jury duty. Donna cannot help that she possibly got the flu and called me today in tears to take Treveon to daycare. But something seems almost unfair. I can't take Trev to daycare -- I was at work until 9. I shouldn't have HAD to come in today -- but I kept dreaming about COD so I did. I haven't had a chance to unpack yet. Aside from chapel yesterday and a much needed talk with Deanna upon my arrival...I haven't seen my friends since I've returned. Who have I been able to invest in? Not my friends. My youth group kids, perhaps. My coworkers, maybe. I haven't seen Amy except for 10 minutes the other night. And I walked in to my apartment with a dead phone and groceries only to be hit with the putrid stench of shit throughout my apartment. Can't I catch a break? Can't my roommate take out the trash or empty the dishwasher?
I know that in light of many others that my cross to bear is quite light. That I can bend over backwards for a week, it's not as if others have not done the same for me. It's not as if Jesus didn't grit his teeth and bear parts of his own life. It's not even as if I have lost my focus or purpose. Many, many things have been wanting me to lost my focus today -- with this and other insecurities. I'm not falling for tricks. I'm not going to kiss that idol's feet again today. I know that my actions are their own rewards and by this time tomorrow I will joyfully look back at COD. But every now and then...I need to refocus.

"Pan left...close on the steeple of the church..." RENT