20 January 2006

This time in May I will be one week from graduating. People keep asking if I'm ready, or if I'm scared yet...and I've honestly been able to answer (thus far) that I feel like I'm ready, and no I'm not scared yet. All of that stands to change in the next few weeks. As I get ready to send out my resume and apply for jobs -- I am putting myself on the line. What a stretch, I hate putting things at risk, and growing up puts everything at risk. Not everything will change, but enough will. My fears are not whether or not I will find a good job, or the right job or have a place to live and work. All of this is out of my hands, and my back up options are not so horrible. If I have to work for ACR for a year or more until something in youth ministry comes along, then that is what I will have to do. I think that what makes this time in my life so frightening is that for the first time, I will have to go this alone.

When I started college, all of my close friends from highschool were too and it wasn't a big deal. For every major decision or advent in life, there has always been someone there, whether it be friends or family or church or what have you. I know that God is with me, I'm not attempting to suggest that I have to go this solely alone...certainly God is on my side, certainly God is standing for me and on that I have placed my faith. But it's going to be just me and God. There is no boyfriend or spouse or partner in ministry that is going to be making this trek with me and doing some of the work for me. I have to grow up. I'm smiling because as I type this I hear the devil's advocate in my head (strangely enough I recognize his voice too) and I know that my friend makes good points. But I also know that this friend has not gone through this yet and as such cannot fully understand what is going on in my head and heart now. Timing is more important now than it ever was before. The need to save money is more important...The need for me to remember to smile and enjoy life now and invest in friendships today is at it's most important thus far.

What these next five months will hold will be the end of a glorious era and the beginning of a new life. With spring brings renewal, new life and fresh beginnings. There are many times of falling down, tripping, growing too big and too fast...but ultimately spring sets one up for the steady growth that summer holds. Oh what this winterseason may still bring for me, that I may see and embrace it.

Side note: covenant church hiring in new hampshire, looks amazing.